measuring morality

i am asked if i think i’m a good person and i do not know how to answer. i break the question into two parts instinctively. am i a good person? and would i agree with myself? 

i am not overly concerned with how i look. when i say sorry i mean it. i still sleep with my rabbit. my tastebuds are changing. i drink hot water before bed not because i like the taste but because my mother does that and her mother does that. and i learn from the women around me. i eat blackberries and peanut butter and things to make my brain grow. i am quiet. i have three favourite films. i try to imagine love i have not encountered yet so i can become it. i entertain the idea of ‘yet’. i am not someone who cares particularly about the weather, at least not enough to complain about it in supermarket queues. in fact, i like being in supermarkets. i can carry heavy things. i care about bands and writers and artists. but maybe only because i want other people to care about those things too. i like being under trees. i know our fingerprints look like their rings. and on some days that’s enough to make me believe in something bigger. but i do not go to church. i am running late. and in circles. all the time. my brain is busy when you touch me and my eyes are closed. i lose my airpods everyday. little things can make me rageful. my legs are bruised. i desire what i fear. and i fear what i desire. i still sleep with my rabbit. i am significantly happier under the influence. i always lie to say i’m taller.  i do not return calls. i do not make my bed. i do not like soup. i crave to be full. i am not extraordinary. 

there are both good things and bad things about me though i do not feel either are clearly distinct. i think i walk the tightrope. i do not change as much as you might think i do, but the way you look at me does. so i do not know how to answer, besides only the fact that i don’t think a bad person would spend so much time worrying they’re a bad person. and most of these things are okay, a lot of people do not order soup, a lot of people are not extraordinary.