fossilised

i fight for things. i don’t have to love them to fight for them. i am the way i am because i go to war with myself all the time. 

i have trouble letting things go. i know it to be true that if it goes once it is always gone even if it comes back. i hold onto things strongly and it makes them wither away. 

i have been losing things recently. my glasses. and other pieces of me. i feel funny and i can’t see right. winter is coming and the world is looking barer for it. the trees are down to their structure and i feel the same. it is cold to be stripped from things. but winter must exist for spring to come. 

i have dyed my hair many times. when things leave i tend to take it out on my hair. my hair started to fall out from the damage. i decided to cut it off. not all of it, but some of it. so i know that for things to grow back, they must first be cut down. my friend comes into my flat and sees five centimetres of my hair on kitchen roll on the table. abigail you kept your hair? throw it out! i clean and i do throw it out. and i find a spider above my windowsill. it has been there for a while because it has a fully formed web. i leave it. i do not want to be the cause of a broken home.

i keep seeing videos of huge spiders in people’s houses. i am terrified. it is spider season. spiders feel like carcasses to me. they are like fossils. they seem to remain, even if you do take them outside, they come back. but i am too scared to pick them up and take them outside. i do not want to touch the past incase it crawls all over me. i can see it. it lives on my walls. it lives in the dusty corners of my mind. you are still in every room, because i carry you with me. but i will not touch the spider. i will just stare. maybe they feel soft. i will not know.